Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
