This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
