saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
Whatcha textin bout Willis?
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
Randomize
