For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
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