dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
Randomize
