worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
Randomize
