I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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