Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Randomize
