while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
