Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
