i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
Randomize
