i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
