That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Randomize
