Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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