the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
Randomize
