How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
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