Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
