its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
Randomize
