I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
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