sarcasm needs its own font
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
also. when i get a car, the amount of space there is for sex WILL be a huge deciding factor.
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