The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize
