I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
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