Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
When did we convert life to cartoon?
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
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