We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
Randomize
