im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
It went from "haha, this will be funny" to "full blown anime porn fetish"
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Randomize
