Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
