we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Randomize
