well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
Randomize
