My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
This is kind of a weird question but were you the other girl Ben asked to do a group sex thing with?
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Randomize