last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
I guess what I'm trying to say is you've fucked more people than the economy.
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize
