margs and chips and queso make the world go round
well and inertia
bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
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