My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
Randomize