The visine ive been using for four yrs expired. in sept. of 2001.....i will never question my eye problems again.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
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