i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
40s are totally the cure
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Randomize
