Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
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