My underwear smells like fireworks.
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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