cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Randomize
