A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
