Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Randomize
