I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
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