Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Randomize
