I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
Is pulling weed out of a vagina a good thing or a bad thing?
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
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