OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
She recited Pi throughout ever orgasm she had....she said it was a game she likes to play...how far she gets is how she judges her lovers...I am oddly turned on by this...
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
Randomize
