I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize