It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
