My liver just broke up with me...
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
Randomize
