Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
I am doing a scientific study and i need a brief description of the underpants you are wearing
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
Randomize
