i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
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