Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
