The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
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