My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
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