my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
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