I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
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