you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
Randomize
