Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
There is what appears to be urine on the woman's bathroom sink. I just have so many questions right now.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
