he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
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