So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Randomize
