I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
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