my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
Randomize
