did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
