Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
