I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
Randomize
