Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
there's paper in my vomit.
You smell like a Billy Joel song
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
Randomize