you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
seriously they are like going to hulk burst through. There are perks and downfalls to having big boobs
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
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