Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
Randomize
