so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
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