at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Randomize
