So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
Well regardless of which drugs we choose to do tonight until four in the morning, we are having a wii bowling championship. So choose carefully.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
Randomize