My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
