The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
