You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Randomize
