I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
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